Sunday, August 21, 2016

I'm still walkin' and talkin' (kind of...)

*sighs* I've done it again. Neglected you for months and months. I'm sorry.

I have been thinking about you more and more lately. Does that help? That's about all I have to offer you.

I remember the days when I wrote to you every day. When I read your blogs every day. Life has gotten so hard since Tim died. It seems like all I do is work.

I take that back. Lately I've been doing more. The past year, I have started living again. I've been getting back into my photography and my art. And I've been going more places. I take a mile walk every day. It's hard on me physically but my mind loves the down time. I try to go out somewhere nice to eat at least twice a month now. And I go to more "functions" (birthday parties and such). It's a big step from not leaving my house at all.

I lost a lot over the past 5 years and 8 months. I've lost time that I just can't get back. I've lost family members to both death and to my inability to be a normal person. I think what hurts the most about the second reason is that people couldn't reach out to me and stay by my side when I was unable to reach out to them. But you can't control how other people react to your grief and how you deal with it.

I'm the type of person that is simultaneously disgusted by people and saddened for people. For example, the other day while I was grocery shopping, a lady stopped at my cart and asked me if I was looking for good cheese.

I thought, "Leave me alone! Why the hell are you bothering me?? I don't know you! Let me grocery shop!"

But I said, "I'm looking at the provolone cheese..." At which point she showed me an ad for a different store..

I thought, "Good, this is almost over. She just wanted to show me a cheaper price."

And I said, "Oh, that IS a good price. Thank you."

Then she said, "Let me tell you about THIS." and put her stranger hands on my head of lettuce! I am freaking dying inside right about now.

I then spent the next 15 minutes listening to the evils of my lettuce and other assorted grocery items.

Inside my head I was screaming, "Get your filthy hands off of my poisonous lettuce that I can't wait to take home and eat!!!"

And then another voice--a nicer, kinder voice--thought, "She probably doesn't have anyone. Nobody to talk to about any of this stuff that makes her scared. She probably thought you looked nice & would listen to her."

Meanwhile, outside my head, I'm smiling and shuffling my feet a little and trying to say "uh huh" and "really?" in all the right places.

She laughs a tiny little laugh and says, "Listen to me. You must think I'm some crazy old woman. I should just go home and shut up."

My mind thinks, "You definitely are a crazy old woman."

And my mouth says, "You're fine honey. You have a nice day & thank you for letting me know about the lettuce."

I felt like I had won something right then. A Good vs. Evil kind of deal and Good had prevailed. I was a little proud of myself.

So anyway.....complicated, that's me. I'm getting back more and more of the good me every day. It's a journey. I'm glad the path brought me back here for a minute. Maybe I'll stay longer this time. We'll see.

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