Saturday, September 24, 2016

Random thoughts snatched from my mind

Sometimes the urge to write is so strong that I can't deny it even when I have no idea what I want the subject to be or if there will even be a subject. Today is one of those days.

I feel like I have a lot on my mind lately but it's all a jumbled blur. It's like life is speeding along and I'm trapped on the shoulder like a broken down old car, unable to keep up, watching in dismay as lights rush past me. I have no idea how to get the thoughts out of my mind except to start typing. I guess we'll find out together what the thoughts are....I haven't got a clue.

As many of you know (my dear longtime readers...thank you for sticking by my side), I've had an unusually large amount of traumatic things occur during my lifetime. Each item affected me in one way or another, but the most drastic changes have happened over the past six years (5 years, 9 months, & 3 days if you want to get technical about it).

I've changed. I look at life differently. I know that I won't live forever and I want to savor every good thing the world has to offer between now and whatever day I'm scheduled to depart this body. I don't want any more bad. No more conflict. No more pain.

I know that's just a fantasy. There is no way that I can live the rest of my life without conflict or pain. But I can hope. I can live each day trying to avoid it. I can love with all my heart and turn my back on the bad stuff. That's what I try to do any way.

I try to take care of the Earth. I won't litter (not even a cigarette butt). I try natural items to solve most issues (peppermint oil for ants, Dawn for bagworms...stuff like that). I live and let live when it comes to all creatures (humans included) as long as they don't bother me first. I even buy items from companies that are trying to help the world (One example: Better World Books sells high quality books at a fraction of the normal price and donates largely to world literacy. And no, I don't receive anything for saying that.). So I try.

I'm far from a perfect person. I say things I shouldn't say. I do things I shouldn't do. Some days I eat more than I should (and all the unhealthy stuff, thank you) and don't take my walk. I smoke. I curse. I can be very unreasonable and immature. But I try.

So why do I feel so incomplete? What is missing in my life? I have a deep feeling that I am heading towards something. Something big. Another life changer. I have no idea what that something big is and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm scared half to death. But I feel it. It's close. Very close.

And so I wait.

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Thursday, September 1, 2016

Sometimes there's more crazy than adventure to my life

Been thinking a lot lately about my life & how I want it to be. I'm definitely NOT where I want to be but I'm closer now than I used to be.

There are a few things keeping me from living the life I want to live. I say, let's take full advantage of my over-analytical brain and explore these things.

Well....first I'd probably be a smartass and say that I can't live the life I want because I'm not a millionaire. There's no money hidden in my mattress or buried in my backyard. There's no super rich relative just itching to give me all their money. But that's just me being silly. Money has very little to do with happiness.

Yes, some money is needed to be happy. You need a place to live, food, clothes & electricity is nice too. Companies/landlords/etc. tend to not just give you free stuff though so, yes, some money is needed.

But millions? It'd be awesome but it's unnecessary. Besides that, I am a realist and know that I'll never have millions any way so why put that kind of pressure on myself?

So need #1 is enough money to get by on a daily basis. Well, I've got that now. But....(you knew there was a 'but', didn't you?) physically I just can't keep doing the kind of work I do now (and have done for the past 35 years). That means search for something physically easier on me. An office job maybe. The future will tell that one.

The second thing I need to live the life I want to live is true friendship. That one is way harder to come by than money. Money is easy compared to finding good people who are true in who and what they are. I see deeply into people. I know exactly who is on my side and who can't wait to stab me in the back. I was really doing well in this area. Had a whole gang of people who I believed truly loved me. Then they started dying. Over the past 10 years so many of my cheerleaders have left me. I feel like I'm standing all alone on a sandbar in the middle of the ocean and there's no boat in sight.

I don't include my children in that group. They will always be by my side in one way or another. That's not a worry of mine. But a person needs other people that are like them. People they can trust. People they can say anything to and know they won't be judged or hated. People that they can act totally stupid around. Be completely wrong around and those people will still love them. They may call you out on it later, but they know you well enough to know that you just have to get it out of your brain before your head explodes. Those are the people that make me happy. I need those kind of people in my life & they just keep leaving me here.

Some days I just want to go be with them. Just forget everything & go. Be done. Then other days I never want to go. I want to be 500 years old and still going strong. Silly, aren't I?

I miss my friends though. Every single day.

Ahem, sorry, back to the subject at hand....

So money & friends. What else is there brain? A good location would be nice. Somewhere near a beach. I love the ocean.

And love. Love would be really nice. Just to know there is one person that you mean everything to and that wouldn't want to live without you. I say love....maybe companionship would be a better way to say, scratch that, love is the perfect way to say it. Because I miss it. I miss having someone to talk to, to cuddle with and watch movies, to sit at the table and eat good food with.....

Sigh. I think I'd better shut my brain down now. It's tired, if you couldn't tell. And if I don't I may ramble on for two or three pages and never really say any thing. Y'all take care & I'll be seeing you soon.

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