Sunday, August 21, 2016

I'm still walkin' and talkin' (kind of...)

*sighs* I've done it again. Neglected you for months and months. I'm sorry.

I have been thinking about you more and more lately. Does that help? That's about all I have to offer you.

I remember the days when I wrote to you every day. When I read your blogs every day. Life has gotten so hard since Tim died. It seems like all I do is work.

I take that back. Lately I've been doing more. The past year, I have started living again. I've been getting back into my photography and my art. And I've been going more places. I take a mile walk every day. It's hard on me physically but my mind loves the down time. I try to go out somewhere nice to eat at least twice a month now. And I go to more "functions" (birthday parties and such). It's a big step from not leaving my house at all.

I lost a lot over the past 5 years and 8 months. I've lost time that I just can't get back. I've lost family members to both death and to my inability to be a normal person. I think what hurts the most about the second reason is that people couldn't reach out to me and stay by my side when I was unable to reach out to them. But you can't control how other people react to your grief and how you deal with it.

I'm the type of person that is simultaneously disgusted by people and saddened for people. For example, the other day while I was grocery shopping, a lady stopped at my cart and asked me if I was looking for good cheese.

I thought, "Leave me alone! Why the hell are you bothering me?? I don't know you! Let me grocery shop!"

But I said, "I'm looking at the provolone cheese..." At which point she showed me an ad for a different store..

I thought, "Good, this is almost over. She just wanted to show me a cheaper price."

And I said, "Oh, that IS a good price. Thank you."

Then she said, "Let me tell you about THIS." and put her stranger hands on my head of lettuce! I am freaking dying inside right about now.

I then spent the next 15 minutes listening to the evils of my lettuce and other assorted grocery items.

Inside my head I was screaming, "Get your filthy hands off of my poisonous lettuce that I can't wait to take home and eat!!!"

And then another voice--a nicer, kinder voice--thought, "She probably doesn't have anyone. Nobody to talk to about any of this stuff that makes her scared. She probably thought you looked nice & would listen to her."

Meanwhile, outside my head, I'm smiling and shuffling my feet a little and trying to say "uh huh" and "really?" in all the right places.

She laughs a tiny little laugh and says, "Listen to me. You must think I'm some crazy old woman. I should just go home and shut up."

My mind thinks, "You definitely are a crazy old woman."

And my mouth says, "You're fine honey. You have a nice day & thank you for letting me know about the lettuce."

I felt like I had won something right then. A Good vs. Evil kind of deal and Good had prevailed. I was a little proud of myself.

So anyway.....complicated, that's me. I'm getting back more and more of the good me every day. It's a journey. I'm glad the path brought me back here for a minute. Maybe I'll stay longer this time. We'll see.

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Friday, May 6, 2016

Out of my mind

2016 has been a year of death so far. I've lost family members, friends, people that I admired, celebrities, pets. It's been a little more than I can handle.

All of this loss has my mind seeing just how important living is. I can see the things that matter clearly. Actually participating in life has become my priority.

I work full time. I used to work because I had to work. Every hour I could squeeze into the day was spent earning money. Don't start thinking that I'm going to say something like I don't have to work like that anymore. I do.

But now I work smart. I work to live, not live to work. I love my job and the people I work with and appreciate every single thing they've done for me, but that is not my whole life. My down time has become very important to me. When I'm away from the job it doesn't even exist to me. Some people try to make me feel guilty about that. I feel like they want my job to be my number one priority. I'm sorry, it's not. Living is. You should try it. It's pretty nice.

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Friday, January 15, 2016

The ones we lost in 2015

I know I'm a couple weeks late. I also know this isn't usually how I do this post.... It's hard for me to do since Tim died even though I am still just as obsessed with celebrity deaths as I was when Tim was alive. By the way, this isn't my video. I found it on YouTube. Any way, here we go...

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Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Just an old lady's thoughts

Before I start this (one sided) conversation that we (me just talking to myself but doing it here so that you are forced to participate) are about to have, I'd like to state that the things I am going to say do not pertain to the youth of today in general (at least I hope they don't) but are, in fact, based on people I actually know.

I've noticed that there is a lot of unprotected sex going on these days. That's scary. Did we as adults not learn anything from our youth and the sometimes deadly diseases that are out there or did we just not think it was important to pass that information on to the younger generations? We should be teaching our children to value themselves and their bodies.

And what's with the attitudes? They act like they are so much better than everyone else. And God forbid you should ask them to do something a certain way. That is just unacceptable in their eyes. Do it and get ready to suffer the wrath. They can destroy the world in one look. Since when did it become acceptable to act so hateful in public? I'm not saying I'm perfect. Far from it. But 99% of the time I try to keep my attitude in check and only have my fits at home. Well....maybe 98% of time...I do have my moments.

Now let's talk about rules. Adults (most of them that I know) generally follow rules pretty well. Teens and twenty-somethings are a different story. It's like they don't believe the rules pertain to them. Have I just reached an age that I have resigned myself to being a rule follower and don't understand (or remember) being young and breaking the rules? No, I don't think that's it. I think that most of the people I know just truly don't care. They care about what they want. What makes them happy. Nothing else.

Which brings me to my next complaint: They have no consideration of other people. Did what you say hurt someone's feelings? Oh well, no big deal because I was just stating my opinion. If you don't like it then too bad. Did you inconvenience somebody by doing something? Oh well, no big deal because I did what I wanted and that made me happy. You should have been selfish too and done what you wanted instead of worrying about other people. 

*sighs* I could just go on and on but what's the point? We created these people. We are to blame. At least I know that my children aren't always guilty of these things. Not that they're perfect either. They've made their mistakes. They've had their moments too. But I'm proud to say that they learn from their mistakes. That they show respect to people and try not to be selfish. Most the time. 
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Monday, November 30, 2015

My Thanksgiving story

I have been neglecting you faithful friends and I'm sorry for that. I truly have no excuses as to why I've hidden from my writer. I've known she was awake for a while now but I've just closed the curtains, pulled up the covers, and slept.

I have been quite ill (still not a valid reason for ignoring you) and have drifted through the days which have turned into months and then into years. Recently though, I awoke at the grocery store and that is the story that I wish to tell you.

I was doing my Thanksgiving dinner shopping along with every other member of Pittsburg County and the three surrounding counties. The aisles were packed full of people and shopping carts. Arms reaching up and over and past each other, trying to get the last can of French Fried Onions before someone else could. I shook my head several times in disbelief but continued to make my way through the sea of people, quietly gathering the items on my list.

I turned onto the baking aisle, noting that it was clearly the busiest aisle in the store. There was a lady in a wheelchair who appeared quite lost and tired. I heard her ask a lady about my age if she knew where the baking powder was. The lady replied without looking at the questioner, "Yeah, about halfway up this aisle." She then turned her glance on the woman and with wide eyes that could only express hatefulness said "on the top shelf" and turned back away.

With some effort, the lady in the wheelchair attempted to get herself turned around but wasn't having much luck because of the number of people standing there. I touched her on the shoulder and asked her if there was a particular brand. She quietly said "the one with the little girl on it but please don't trouble yourself." "Nonsense," I replied. "You wait right here." I made my way down the aisle, retrieved the baking powder that she wanted and was heading back when I saw the lady that had been so rude earlier. I smiled my biggest smile at her and kept walking.

When I finally managed to make my way through the crowd and give the lady her baking powder, she was so visibly grateful for my help that it made my heart swell. That night when I prayed, I thanked God for still allowing me the use of my legs. I also prayed that the lady I helped had a wonderful Thanksgiving with her family and, in a moment of humbleness and understanding, I prayed that the lady who could not be bothered to help a fellow human being had the same as well.

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