I'll be in my pillow fort coloring if you need me

So, let me tell you about my morning so far....

 

I don't know what time my granddaughter Helen got here but I know that I had only been asleep since 4ish so it couldn't have been more than three hours since I closed my eyes. She refused to let me sleep....smooth insisted that I watch Winnie the Pooh with her. So after a couple cups of coffee, I got up and started working on stuff for today. Monday's are my Family Day when all the kids & grandkids come eat a big supper & hang out with me. 

 

I baked a pie shell.....and dropped it. Was going to the store to get another one & my weirdo neighbor was standing near my driveway staring at me. He really sends the weirdest vibes. He stares at you like the kids in Children of the Corn looked at the intruder adults. Any way, that's a whole different story. I watched him watch me through my rear view mirror as I pulled away. 

 

Totally creeped out, I continued on to the store. Then I nearly got run off the road by some idiot who thought they had to drive 50 m.p.h. down Main Street. I got their tag number as they flew past the work truck in front of me. Mind you, this is a two lane street. 

So I made a side trip over to the Police Station. Yep, I'm a tattle tale. You're not going to endanger any of my grandchildren that way and not get in trouble for it. 

I finally make it to the store, get my pie shell, and make it back home. I'm making the filling for the pie...open the pie shell....and it crumbles into a million pieces. Ok, maybe not a million but it did crumble. A lot. 

I gave up. I'm done for the day. I'm going to watch cartoons and eat candy. 

(Note: I didn't completely give up. I did fix the shell and get the pie made.)

However long it takes

A dear friend of mine lost her soulmate & best friend recently. She came over last night and we drank some wine and talked, laughed and cried for hours. I hope I was able to help her some. I know she helped me. You see, I'm still grieving almost six years later.

Over those six years I've faked my way through a lot of different situations. I'm still faking it on so many levels. I've surrounded myself with memories. I see Tim everywhere I look in this little house of mine. He's always by my side, in my head and in my heart. That will never change.

Last night I dreamed of his final days. I heard him telling me how much he loved me. I held him. I felt his kiss on my forehead. I love him so much still.

Right before I woke up (I was somewhere in that between dream and reality place), I heard him telling me that he was proud of me. That I was doing good and to keep following my heart. To do what makes me happy. That happiness was everything.

I've been thinking about making changes in my life. Making it simpler. Now I know that that is the right decision. Because Tim told me. (Thank you babyluv. I needed that.)

Split

On one hand, I'm very happy with my little life. My children and my grandchildren. My little house. My dogs. Me.

On the other hand, I want to run far, far away and just start over.

I'm still walkin' and talkin' (kind of...)

*sighs* I've done it again. Neglected you for months and months. I'm sorry.

I have been thinking about you more and more lately. Does that help? That's about all I have to offer you.


I remember the days when I wrote to you every day. When I read your blogs every day. Life has gotten so hard since Tim died. It seems like all I do is work.

I take that back. Lately I've been doing more. The past year, I have started living again. I've been getting back into my photography and my art. And I've been going more places. I take a mile walk every day. It's hard on me physically but my mind loves the down time. I try to go out somewhere nice to eat at least twice a month now. And I go to more "functions" (birthday parties and such). It's a big step from not leaving my house at all.

I lost a lot over the past 5 years and 8 months. I've lost time that I just can't get back. I've lost family members to both death and to my inability to be a normal person. I think what hurts the most about the second reason is that people couldn't reach out to me and stay by my side when I was unable to reach out to them. But you can't control how other people react to your grief and how you deal with it.

I'm the type of person that is simultaneously disgusted by people and saddened for people. For example, the other day while I was grocery shopping, a lady stopped at my cart and asked me if I was looking for good cheese.

I thought, "Leave me alone! Why the hell are you bothering me?? I don't know you! Let me grocery shop!"

But I said, "I'm looking at the provolone cheese..." At which point she showed me an ad for a different store..

I thought, "Good, this is almost over. She just wanted to show me a cheaper price."

And I said, "Oh, that IS a good price. Thank you."

Then she said, "Let me tell you about THIS." and put her stranger hands on my head of lettuce! I am freaking dying inside right about now.

I then spent the next 15 minutes listening to the evils of my lettuce and other assorted grocery items.

Inside my head I was screaming, "Get your filthy hands off of my poisonous lettuce that I can't wait to take home and eat!!!"


And then another voice--a nicer, kinder voice--thought, "She probably doesn't have anyone. Nobody to talk to about any of this stuff that makes her scared. She probably thought you looked nice & would listen to her."

Meanwhile, outside my head, I'm smiling and shuffling my feet a little and trying to say "uh huh" and "really?" in all the right places.

She laughs a tiny little laugh and says, "Listen to me. You must think I'm some crazy old woman. I should just go home and shut up."

My mind thinks, "You definitely are a crazy old woman."

And my mouth says, "You're fine honey. You have a nice day & thank you for letting me know about the lettuce."

I felt like I had won something right then. A Good vs. Evil kind of deal and Good had prevailed. I was a little proud of myself.


So anyway.....complicated, that's me. I'm getting back more and more of the good me every day. It's a journey. I'm glad the path brought me back here for a minute. Maybe I'll stay longer this time. We'll see.