Random thoughts snatched from my mind

Sometimes the urge to write is so strong that I can't deny it even when I have no idea what I want the subject to be or if there will even be a subject. Today is one of those days.

I feel like I have a lot on my mind lately but it's all a jumbled blur. It's like life is speeding along and I'm trapped on the shoulder like a broken down old car, unable to keep up, watching in dismay as lights rush past me. I have no idea how to get the thoughts out of my mind except to start typing. I guess we'll find out together what the thoughts are....I haven't got a clue.

As many of you know (my dear longtime readers...thank you for sticking by my side), I've had an unusually large amount of traumatic things occur during my lifetime. Each item affected me in one way or another, but the most drastic changes have happened over the past six years (5 years, 9 months, & 3 days if you want to get technical about it).

I've changed. I look at life differently. I know that I won't live forever and I want to savor every good thing the world has to offer between now and whatever day I'm scheduled to depart this body. I don't want any more bad. No more conflict. No more pain.

I know that's just a fantasy. There is no way that I can live the rest of my life without conflict or pain. But I can hope. I can live each day trying to avoid it. I can love with all my heart and turn my back on the bad stuff. That's what I try to do any way.

I try to take care of the Earth. I won't litter (not even a cigarette butt). I try natural items to solve most issues (peppermint oil for ants, Dawn for bagworms...stuff like that). I live and let live when it comes to all creatures (humans included) as long as they don't bother me first. I even buy items from companies that are trying to help the world (One example: Better World Books sells high quality books at a fraction of the normal price and donates largely to world literacy. And no, I don't receive anything for saying that.). So I try.

I'm far from a perfect person. I say things I shouldn't say. I do things I shouldn't do. Some days I eat more than I should (and all the unhealthy stuff, thank you) and don't take my walk. I smoke. I curse. I can be very unreasonable and immature. But I try.

So why do I feel so incomplete? What is missing in my life? I have a deep feeling that I am heading towards something. Something big. Another life changer. I have no idea what that something big is and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I'm scared half to death. But I feel it. It's close. Very close.

And so I wait.

Sometimes there's more crazy than adventure to my life

Been thinking a lot lately about my life & how I want it to be. I'm definitely NOT where I want to be but I'm closer now than I used to be.

There are a few things keeping me from living the life I want to live. I say, let's take full advantage of my over-analytical brain and explore these things.

Well....first I'd probably be a smartass and say that I can't live the life I want because I'm not a millionaire. There's no money hidden in my mattress or buried in my backyard. There's no super rich relative just itching to give me all their money. But that's just me being silly. Money has very little to do with happiness.

Yes, some money is needed to be happy. You need a place to live, food, clothes & electricity is nice too. Companies/landlords/etc. tend to not just give you free stuff though so, yes, some money is needed.

But millions? It'd be awesome but it's unnecessary. Besides that, I am a realist and know that I'll never have millions any way so why put that kind of pressure on myself?

So need #1 is enough money to get by on a daily basis. Well, I've got that now. But....(you knew there was a 'but', didn't you?) physically I just can't keep doing the kind of work I do now (and have done for the past 35 years). That means search for something physically easier on me. An office job maybe. The future will tell that one.

The second thing I need to live the life I want to live is true friendship. That one is way harder to come by than money. Money is easy compared to finding good people who are true in who and what they are. I see deeply into people. I know exactly who is on my side and who can't wait to stab me in the back. I was really doing well in this area. Had a whole gang of people who I believed truly loved me. Then they started dying. Over the past 10 years so many of my cheerleaders have left me. I feel like I'm standing all alone on a sandbar in the middle of the ocean and there's no boat in sight.


I don't include my children in that group. They will always be by my side in one way or another. That's not a worry of mine. But a person needs other people that are like them. People they can trust. People they can say anything to and know they won't be judged or hated. People that they can act totally stupid around. Be completely wrong around and those people will still love them. They may call you out on it later, but they know you well enough to know that you just have to get it out of your brain before your head explodes. Those are the people that make me happy. I need those kind of people in my life & they just keep leaving me here.

Some days I just want to go be with them. Just forget everything & go. Be done. Then other days I never want to go. I want to be 500 years old and still going strong. Silly, aren't I?


I miss my friends though. Every single day.

Ahem, sorry, back to the subject at hand....

So money & friends. What else is there brain? A good location would be nice. Somewhere near a beach. I love the ocean.

And love. Love would be really nice. Just to know there is one person that you mean everything to and that wouldn't want to live without you. I say love....maybe companionship would be a better way to say it.....no, scratch that, love is the perfect way to say it. Because I miss it. I miss having someone to talk to, to cuddle with and watch movies, to sit at the table and eat good food with.....

Sigh. I think I'd better shut my brain down now. It's tired, if you couldn't tell. And if I don't I may ramble on for two or three pages and never really say any thing. Y'all take care & I'll be seeing you soon.

I'll be in my pillow fort coloring if you need me

So, let me tell you about my morning so far....

 

I don't know what time my granddaughter Helen got here but I know that I had only been asleep since 4ish so it couldn't have been more than three hours since I closed my eyes. She refused to let me sleep....smooth insisted that I watch Winnie the Pooh with her. So after a couple cups of coffee, I got up and started working on stuff for today. Monday's are my Family Day when all the kids & grandkids come eat a big supper & hang out with me. 

 

I baked a pie shell.....and dropped it. Was going to the store to get another one & my weirdo neighbor was standing near my driveway staring at me. He really sends the weirdest vibes. He stares at you like the kids in Children of the Corn looked at the intruder adults. Any way, that's a whole different story. I watched him watch me through my rear view mirror as I pulled away. 

 

Totally creeped out, I continued on to the store. Then I nearly got run off the road by some idiot who thought they had to drive 50 m.p.h. down Main Street. I got their tag number as they flew past the work truck in front of me. Mind you, this is a two lane street. 

So I made a side trip over to the Police Station. Yep, I'm a tattle tale. You're not going to endanger any of my grandchildren that way and not get in trouble for it. 

I finally make it to the store, get my pie shell, and make it back home. I'm making the filling for the pie...open the pie shell....and it crumbles into a million pieces. Ok, maybe not a million but it did crumble. A lot. 

I gave up. I'm done for the day. I'm going to watch cartoons and eat candy. 

(Note: I didn't completely give up. I did fix the shell and get the pie made.)

However long it takes

A dear friend of mine lost her soulmate & best friend recently. She came over last night and we drank some wine and talked, laughed and cried for hours. I hope I was able to help her some. I know she helped me. You see, I'm still grieving almost six years later.

Over those six years I've faked my way through a lot of different situations. I'm still faking it on so many levels. I've surrounded myself with memories. I see Tim everywhere I look in this little house of mine. He's always by my side, in my head and in my heart. That will never change.

Last night I dreamed of his final days. I heard him telling me how much he loved me. I held him. I felt his kiss on my forehead. I love him so much still.

Right before I woke up (I was somewhere in that between dream and reality place), I heard him telling me that he was proud of me. That I was doing good and to keep following my heart. To do what makes me happy. That happiness was everything.

I've been thinking about making changes in my life. Making it simpler. Now I know that that is the right decision. Because Tim told me. (Thank you babyluv. I needed that.)

Split

On one hand, I'm very happy with my little life. My children and my grandchildren. My little house. My dogs. Me.

On the other hand, I want to run far, far away and just start over.

I'm still walkin' and talkin' (kind of...)

*sighs* I've done it again. Neglected you for months and months. I'm sorry.

I have been thinking about you more and more lately. Does that help? That's about all I have to offer you.


I remember the days when I wrote to you every day. When I read your blogs every day. Life has gotten so hard since Tim died. It seems like all I do is work.

I take that back. Lately I've been doing more. The past year, I have started living again. I've been getting back into my photography and my art. And I've been going more places. I take a mile walk every day. It's hard on me physically but my mind loves the down time. I try to go out somewhere nice to eat at least twice a month now. And I go to more "functions" (birthday parties and such). It's a big step from not leaving my house at all.

I lost a lot over the past 5 years and 8 months. I've lost time that I just can't get back. I've lost family members to both death and to my inability to be a normal person. I think what hurts the most about the second reason is that people couldn't reach out to me and stay by my side when I was unable to reach out to them. But you can't control how other people react to your grief and how you deal with it.

I'm the type of person that is simultaneously disgusted by people and saddened for people. For example, the other day while I was grocery shopping, a lady stopped at my cart and asked me if I was looking for good cheese.

I thought, "Leave me alone! Why the hell are you bothering me?? I don't know you! Let me grocery shop!"

But I said, "I'm looking at the provolone cheese..." At which point she showed me an ad for a different store..

I thought, "Good, this is almost over. She just wanted to show me a cheaper price."

And I said, "Oh, that IS a good price. Thank you."

Then she said, "Let me tell you about THIS." and put her stranger hands on my head of lettuce! I am freaking dying inside right about now.

I then spent the next 15 minutes listening to the evils of my lettuce and other assorted grocery items.

Inside my head I was screaming, "Get your filthy hands off of my poisonous lettuce that I can't wait to take home and eat!!!"


And then another voice--a nicer, kinder voice--thought, "She probably doesn't have anyone. Nobody to talk to about any of this stuff that makes her scared. She probably thought you looked nice & would listen to her."

Meanwhile, outside my head, I'm smiling and shuffling my feet a little and trying to say "uh huh" and "really?" in all the right places.

She laughs a tiny little laugh and says, "Listen to me. You must think I'm some crazy old woman. I should just go home and shut up."

My mind thinks, "You definitely are a crazy old woman."

And my mouth says, "You're fine honey. You have a nice day & thank you for letting me know about the lettuce."

I felt like I had won something right then. A Good vs. Evil kind of deal and Good had prevailed. I was a little proud of myself.


So anyway.....complicated, that's me. I'm getting back more and more of the good me every day. It's a journey. I'm glad the path brought me back here for a minute. Maybe I'll stay longer this time. We'll see.

Out of my mind

2016 has been a year of death so far. I've lost family members, friends, people that I admired, celebrities, pets. It's been a little more than I can handle.

All of this loss has my mind seeing just how important living is. I can see the things that matter clearly. Actually participating in life has become my priority.

I work full time. I used to work because I had to work. Every hour I could squeeze into the day was spent earning money. Don't start thinking that I'm going to say something like I don't have to work like that anymore. I do.

But now I work smart. I work to live, not live to work. I love my job and the people I work with and appreciate every single thing they've done for me, but that is not my whole life. My down time has become very important to me. When I'm away from the job it doesn't even exist to me. Some people try to make me feel guilty about that. I feel like they want my job to be my number one priority. I'm sorry, it's not. Living is. You should try it. It's pretty nice.

The ones we lost in 2015

I know I'm a couple weeks late. I also know this isn't usually how I do this post.... It's hard for me to do since Tim died even though I am still just as obsessed with celebrity deaths as I was when Tim was alive. By the way, this isn't my video. I found it on YouTube. Any way, here we go...