As I age, my mind tends to drift more towards the fact that this ride won't last forever and less towards things I have to do. Over the past 7 1/2 months (since my 47th Birthday), my mind has taken me to that dark place so many times that I've lost count.
I've come to a few conclusions thanks to these travels.
First and foremost, I've decided that all I want to do is be happy. Actually, everything leads back to that specific thought. Happiness: My only desire.
Yes, I have a responsible side. I have a job. I pay my bills. I'm a good little soldier and do what I'm supposed to do when I'm supposed to do it. But I won't let that consume my life. A friend of mine said to me "We work to live not live to work." and I hang on to that statement and repeat it to myself like a mantra when things start to dig their way into my mind. And trust me, it doesn't take much digging to get in there. There are lots of side roads and back roads and alleys to slip in through and even though I've built lots of walls and fences, things still slip through all the time. I'm far from perfect.
I've always had this idea in my head that once I turned 50, I would be where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do. That day is fast approaching and honestly, I have no idea where I want to be or what I want to do.
Several years ago I was right where I wanted to be, doing what I wanted to do and I thought that was it. I had found my place. But then my husband died and my world crashed in around me. I've wandered around lost since that time. Finding pieces of myself here and there along the way. I've slowly built myself back up.
This may sound totally selfish to some of you, but right now I can't let other peoples drama or issues affect my life. Right now, it's about me. Kathy. Because honestly, Kathy is the only one who does anything for me. Kathy is who is important.
Not that I don't love my people. My people are awesome. I love them all very much. I couldn't imagine my life without them. They fit me. We are family (and not necessarily by blood). We are a tribe. But the size of my tribe is small and getting smaller all the time. You are only as good as the members of your tribe and if those members are spewing negativity then that will poison your tribe. That poison will spread from person to person until nothing is left except the bad.
So slowly I've been ridding my tribe of negative people and negative situations. My general attitude has been that if it doesn't make me happy then I need to just walk away. Some ties are harder to walk away from than others. Some will take more time to completely cut but eventually, maybe by that 50 year mark, I'll get it done. That's my goal any way.
I'm not going to tell you that you'll see me here more. We've seen what happens when I say that (I post for a week or two and then disappear for 4 months). But maybe, just maybe, I'll be around. Peace and love people. Peace and love.